I stand when I’m around other people, even after they say I’m “making them nervous.” People who belong sit down and make themselves at home, I hold up the wall and try not to make people nervous. That’s one of the reasons I’m growing out my hair; to look more approachable.
I identify with Charlie in The Perks of Being a Wallflower more than I would like to. Only, I haven’t found an amazing group of friends yet, and now I’m too old.
I even saw the movie alone. I asked my friend if she wanted to join me, but she didn’t want to see a sad movie. She asked if I was sure I didn’t want to see James Bond instead. I was sure. James Bond is fine, but action movies are just action movies. A small artsy theater screened the film, and when I walked out to blink in the sunlight I wasn’t sure how to feel.
I finished reading the book two hours ago, and when I leaned back on the couch to reflect, I woke up an hour later. I’m still not sure how to feel. I think that group of friends saved Charlie’s life, or at least comprised a compelling reason to live. I think people are complicated and don’t make sense. I think life is complicated and doesn’t make sense.
I’m not sure how to write this without sounding like I’m whining, but I’m not, my life is fine. I have a job that pays, a place to stay, and about a year left on my student loans. Things are going smoothly and I have exciting plans for the future. The world doesn’t owe me a damn thing.
However, I don’t have any offline friends. This usually doesn’t bother me too much, after all, I haven’t had a group of friends since 2002. But I’m 25 now. I have grey hair and back pain. I have bills and obligations. I have business casual clothes and no idea how to make friends. I even googled it, embarrassingly. The colorful infographics suggested I find people with common interests and build from there. Trouble is, most of my interests are solitary, or online. I absolutely appreciate my twitter friends, but since we’re spread out, we don’t exactly hang out too much.
I had most of these thoughts two years ago, when I saw the movie, I guess the book stirred everything up again. Charlie’s letters make me think about my life.
Anyway, I’ve fine. How are you?