On Nature

Nature doesn’t like me, but that’s ok, I don’t like Nature much either.  I went camping for a week or two every summer as a child and I always got back in the car sticky with sweat, oozing Mountain Dew from every pore, and covered in bug bites.  One week I received 61 mosquito bites, three tick bites, and lyme disease.  I sprayed frighteningly potent chemicals on myself to keep these vampiric vermin at bay, to no avail.  I need a mosquito net, or a big plastic bubble to escape the bastards.  Or a flamethrower.

The bugs don’t look so bad compared to my springtime allergies.  My eyes get so itchy, that if I must venture outside, I may as well write-off the rest of the day to scratch them out of my head.  I’ve skipped events due to these allergies and just like the mosquitos, nothing works.  I used to wear swim goggles to mow the lawn.

And ugh, the summer heat.  Maryland doesn’t get that hot, but the mercury will still get over 100 and the humidity has genuine substance.  My skin gets prickly before I start perspiring, which is particularly unfortunate in an important situation.  Nothing says Trustworthy Professional like scratching my neck and sides like an animal.

A vengeful grin creeps across my face when I remember that Winter is Coming.  A season that only has one problem: the cold.  I can live with the cold, I have several jackets and I just bought a scarf.  There’s no bugs or allergies in winter.

Between the allergies, heat, and malicious mosquitos, I’m in some level of discomfort for half of the year.  Half of my life, guaranteed.  So I’m not a big Nature fan, it’s trying to kill me.  Nevertheless, my standing policy is that I’m alright with Nature, so long as it stays on the other side of the glass.  It’s how I feel about the zombie apocalypse, serial killers, and Daleks: no problems, so long as it all stays on the other side of my laptop screen.

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On Nature

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