A Dark Moment

Last night was a difficult time.  I’m still sick, so I need to sleep in order to theoretically get better.  Trouble is, I keep coughing which keeps me from sleeping until I get so tired it doesn’t matter anymore.  Because my back is ignited with nerve pain as well, the racking coughs result in shocking pain.  This tends to get frustrating after a few hours.

So last night around 1am, I had enough.  It took me a very painful two minutes to gasp and shriek my way out of bed and cough some more.  I hobbled my debilitated self with everything from my back to my ankle burning into the bathroom.  Where I popped some more Advil and cough syrup.  I slowly sat down and nearly cried.

I.  Do.  Not.  Cry.  Ever.  And last night was no exception, but it was close.  I sat there, in more pain than I can remember surviving before, coughing, with a sore throat, bleeding nose, chills, and excessive fatigue after having driven three hours back from Richmond.  ”Despair” would be the most apt term.  My back and leg was so painful and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.  Nothing actually takes the pain away (except maybe for real painkillers).  I desperately needed to sleep, but couldn’t manage that because it hurt all the time and I’d keep coughing anyway.

After a few minutes, I calmed down a bit and tried to get to sleep.  I eventually managed it.  I thought I’d have to go to the doctor until I remembered what happened last time I went in for this.  After a two hour wait and a series of x-rays I was told that they couldn’t find anything wrong, so just have some Advil and take it easy for a few days.  I’m not in a hurry to repeat that useless experience.

One of the things I constantly tell myself when something goes wrong is that it could always be worse.  This could be a permanent thing, instead of only one month or so out of five.  I could have this problem with both legs, so I would be almost completely immobile and then lose my job since I can’t work.  I could actually be handicapped.  Looking at it that way, it isn’t the end of the world.

I’ll get through it.  Again.

A Dark Moment