Fear is my Motivation

—in almost everything.  I’ve given it some thought, and yes there are other motivating factors, but the underlying basic reason is fear.  I set six alarms each morning and obsessively double check that they’re all set properly.  All to make sure I wake up on time since if I oversleep, arrive at work late, get fired, default on my loans, go broke, never move out of my parent’s house, never travel the world, I’ll never achieve freedom.  And then of course I’d be unable to fulfill my potential.  Because I didn’t wake up on time.

This entire train of thought is based on fear.  I’m scared of oversleeping.  I’m scared of losing my job and going broke.  I’m scared my life won’t progress.  I’m scared I’ll never get to do everything I’m going after.  I’m scared it will all fall apart if even the smallest thing goes wrong.

Fear is the motivating reason for almost everything I do.  And it’s always on my mind.  I can only relax when I’m alone, at peace, watching, reading, or writing something.  The rest of the time I need to work, exercise, plan, revise, learn, build.  I’m not just busy, it’s like I’m running for my life all the time, constantly looking over my shoulder for the failure snapping at my heels.

Maybe that was a bit dramatic.

I’m very glad I realized this.  If you don’t know what the problem is, you’re unlikely to solve it.  Now I’m trying to fight this and not make decisions out of fear.  Today when I parked, I only checked the door locks and headlights twice.  I usually do laps of the car and check everything four or eight times.  Feels like OCD, I get ‘stuck’ and each time I double check, I feel less sure about it.

Anyway, I’ve realized that fear only deals with possibilities, with what might happen.  If I knew something was going wrong, I wouldn’t be scared, I’d take action.  I would plan, prepare, fight, or run.  Fear deals with the grey area.  

And it isn’t real.

Fear is my Motivation