I don’t even trust me

I have to double check everything.  And by “double check” I really mean 4, 8, or 16 times to really make sure.  Sometimes I get stuck and have to keep counting and really making sure that everything’s still there until I can break myself out of it.  This is the case with everything, I set six alarms each morning.  Not because I don’t wake up on time, but because I’m afraid that the first one won’t work, and then maybe the second one won’t work either…  I make sure my car’s headlights are off when I park it by turning the switch hard 8 times to the point that my fingers start to hurt.  I don’t care how late I am going to be, I have to check that the doors are locked, that my laptop is locked, and that I have everything I need.  Even when I pack my lunch, I make sure that I have my sandwich, yogurt, bar, and pretzels by tapping each and counting in my head 1-2-3-4 at least four times to ensure that everything is right.  And of course if I get interrupted, I have to start all over again.  It’s like I have absolutely no trust that I just checked and everything was fine a few minutes ago.  This sounds a lot like OCD and it does cause some inconveniences for me.

However, the silver lining is that when I compulsively double check everything in my life, that extends to work as well.  I have a paperwork/finance type job and this attention to detail does come in handy at times.  Or at least it’s better than not paying much attention.

I wonder why this is though, since I haven’t always been this way.  It might have started when my car was stolen a few years ago.  After that, I took the security of my possessions much more seriously.  I got separate locks for my laptop and car’s steering wheel.  And I started really checking that everything was secure and just as I left it.  But who knows, maybe one day, I won’t have to compulsively check every little thing.  But until then, I’ll just call it being “detail oriented.”

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I don’t even trust me